To my Musician Friends who have Decided that Nigerians don't need Brains

My dear,

See the thing about most Nigerian music? They are like a virus. They sneak into your subconscious and infect you with grooving vibes while chomping away slowly on your brain. That’s just my opinion.

In case you are not a Nigerian musician and you think that this isn’t for you, you are wrong. You’ll soon find out why.

I have tried. I promise you I have tried to be kind. After all, we can admit honestly that the Nigerian music industry has seen great progress in the past few years. Many of our music videos have managed to accomplish what most of Nollywood still struggles with. Great picture quality and angles, wonderful graphic imagery, clear sound, etc. So yes, indeed, we have come some way.

Bet why? Why, dear Nigerian musicians have you chosen to punish your people like this? Have we offended you in any way? Did we kill your mother or make your father withhold pocket money from you in school? Did we straf your girlfriend/steal your boyfriend and parade their underwear all over the neighbourhood? Did we wet your bed then set you up by laying new bed sheet and sweeping the room? Ogini kanyi mere gi bikonu, that you have chosen to punish us like this? Why?

Terry G, oh thee Founder of the Weed, Groovy Beats and Terrible Lyrics Church, we remember you and how you tested the microphone. I really wish you hadn’t. Because you didn’t tell them the truth. You didn’t tell these people that you were just the sound technician ‘Testing microphone 1, 2’. The real speakers were coming, people who had something to say, people who knew that their audience was made up of intelligent people who came to listen to them speak because iron sharpens iron, people who were trying to grow by edifying those around them. Now that all these randoms know the microphone is working, they have decided that it is open mic/karaoke season, and they can get inspiration from anything, from the peculiar sound of a person’s fart to pants hanging outside. What positive value can a bombom bigger than Bombay add to anyone’s life, bikonu? Guys, try not to think what I know you are already thinking...

A friend of mine introduced me to Hip Tv’s Lyrics 2 Go. I recommend that show to every Nigerian. I personally get amazed and awed by the creativity of these people. It takes talent to be able to create such beautiful nonsense. Like baby poop for instance. There are times I stare in wonder at it and think, ‘Wow! That piling is so artistic! It should be put into a cone and sold as chocolate!’

I liken Nigerian music these days to Resident Evil, World War Z, Night of the Living Dead, etc. A viral outbreak that infects Nigerians and zombifies everyone, and no one seems to be looking for a cure. We are so busy enjoying the badass beats in the song that we ignore the emptiness and stupidity of the lyrics, forgetting that all the knowledge we hold is gained through our senses, that the quality of what comes out of a man is as a result of what has gone in, and that when we saturate our senses with things that are mediocre and lack value, that is usually what we become – mediocre and valueless. So by the time we realize that our IQs are no longer as sharp as they used to be, or that we can’t seem to find solutions to problems around us, waiting instead for ‘the government’ to solve all of our problems, we have already become as empty as the songs we listen to. Yet we never realize that they are at least partially responsible, so we keep on grooving, baby kpalanga!

I blame the Nigerian artistes who have chosen to insult our intelligence by feeding us with bullshit. But the lion share of the blame rests on our shoulders. If bullshit couldn’t make money in Nigeria, no one would try to feed us with it. Look how no one knew Inyanya when he was talking; he started to kukere, then everyone wanted a piece of him. Even till date, it is usually Tu Face’s party jams like Implication and Ihe ne me that sell like hot peppersoup and Oompa during Premier League games. We patronize bullshit; we are so addicted that we raise our children on it and feed them with it. So I can’t entirely blame the opportunists who take advantage in our government, business organizations and of course, music.

Many do not understand the power music holds. They do not get why T.Y. Bello’s We are the Future or Fela’s Suffering and Smiling or Sinach’s I know who I am or Omawumi’s If you ask me are songs that never get old and always speak to everyone – young , old, poor, rich, Christian or Muslim. Music assaults the brain directly through the ears, so whatever is absorbed therein, goes into our subconscious and adds up to make our character whatever it is. This is why you sometimes find yourself singing along to songs you thought you didn’t know, and why even songs you hate become part of your existence (that your rascal neighbour that always has it on repeat…) This is why music therapy is used to treat many conditions that involve the brain. You can google it if you don’t believe me. It is even used by many pregnant women to help develop the brain of their children in the womb, because the olfactory nerves are very sensitive at that stage, and since the child is still in formation, the music and whatever it says or how it feels becomes his/her foundation.

Nigeria is made up of a lot of highly intelligent people that think average. There are a lot of factors that contribute to this, but the fact that we love terrible music so much definitely does not help. I’m not saying that all Nigerian music is bad (as a matter of fact, I believe that talent abounds in the industry. Look at Olamide and his metaphors for example; still blows my mind). What I am saying is that we should stop patronizing the ones that are. Let’s challenge these talents to think and to develop into skills. If dem no get market, dem go start to dey use dem brain. And if they use their brains, then it will be so much easier to weed out the chaff from among them. Say something I'm giving up on yooouuuu...

Abeg. I no know how I go take beg una again. All you wonderful mizikshans, plix, stop choking our brains with poopoo. All you patronisers, plix, stop listening to poopoo. All you Alaba market promoters, plix, stop selling poopoo to us and calling it mizik.

And all you neighbours with those fake Chinese speakers that make us look like we are shouting at our friends for pouring away our hard-earned pot of obstacle-filled Egusi soup even though we are just saying, ‘How are you dear?’, I lay a curse upon thy weapons of mass destruction. May rats consume the wiring inside and out, may the artwork they leave behind bamboozle all repairers, and may all new ones disappear mysteriously from the dealers’ shops when you want to buy. AMEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!

Yours in friendship always,

∞

Omachies.

To my Lesbian-loving and Homosexual-hating friends...

My dear,

See the thing about liking lesbians and hating homosexuals? Lesbians are homosexuals so quit being so contrary and make up your bloody mind. That’s just my opinion.

Guys are the most highly susceptible to this hypocrisy, so I’ll start with you. Let’s imagine the typical lesbian porn scenario – since very few actually get to witness lesbian action live. We’ll even tag it ‘Two Hot Blondes get it on in a Hot Tub’. Here’s the story: two blondes with really big firm boobs and flat butts (because for some truly weird reason, white people seem to think that kind of build is sexy) ‘accidentally’ run into each other in a hot tub, exchange the terrible dialogue that only porn, some Nollywood movies and old soap operas manage to have finessed into an art, and start... well...  doing. No, this isn’t a porn site so kill the anticipation. But the idea of such a scenario is quite titillating, right?

So let’s try it the other way. ‘Two Built Guys getting it on the Shower’. I can almost hear all the ‘Olorun maje!’s, ‘Chineke ekwena ihe’ojoo!’s and ‘A’udhu billahi!’s. Typical.

I thus took the liberty of asking a number of guys, friends and strangers alike, why they hate homosexuals so much. The almost unanimous consensus was that it was unnatural.

“Ever seen a gay pig or a homosexual goat?”

“It is an abomination! The Bible says so!”

“How can I see another guy that has exactly what I have and want to touch… God forbid!”

“I just don’t understand why a guy would like to pop another guy or allow another guy to pop him. It’s just… it’s just… wrong.”

“All homos deserve to be castrated and burnt alive!”

Et cetera.

So what did these guys think of lesbians then? Most of the reactions can be categorized into two, though they all still boil down to one: lesbians don’t deserve to be castrated of their lady-balls.

“They are hot now.” This is always delivered by most guys with a smug smile.

“Well, lesbians are more understandable. Most girls already have the tendency anyway because they are always together and there are many things to touch.”

Really guys? As opposed to guys not being always together and not having many things to touch? *shakingmyhead*.

On the flip side, I have also discovered that girls are more tolerant of gay guys and less so of lesbians. Girls are more inclined to allow five gay guys to shave their pubic areas in the middle of the night than be left in a large open-spaced hall alone with a lesbian in broad daylight. (Of course I'm exaggerating but you get the point)

I’d like to call it ironic, but it really isn’t. Straight guys are afraid of guys who might be interested in them sexually but since they understand being attracted to girls, they can forgive lesbians. The same goes for girls. This prejudice is extended even to our laws vis-à-vis the Nigerian Criminal Code Act which prosecutes sodomy and indecency by a male with another male but makes no such provisions against lesbians. The question then, is why? Is it the fear of getting sexually assaulted? Or is it, as is most common,  the fear of accepting something you don’t understand? I believe it is a generous dose of both.

For example, I have a crush on Charlize Theron. But the image currently running through my head is me, pulling out an Uzi submachine gun with a mad gleam in my eyes and shooting her head off with Mike Banning efficacy the minute I recognize lust in her eyes and fingers. On the other hand, I can imagine cornering Jussie Smolett and having my wicked way with him.

No one said the mind has to be a safe place for celebrities. *wink*

Just like me, most people I have asked also have exactly the same answers: fear of assault and of the 'un-understood'. But is either reason enough to justify the lynching of an entire species of people? The fact remains this: homosexuals are homosexuals, whether male or female, and as such, if you are going to accept one type, you should accept them all or at the very least, tolerate them.

Yes, I refuse to encourage judgment and condemnation of the LGBT community. Many people get aghast by this position of mine; after all, both the Bible and the Qur'an do condemn homosexuality. No, I'm not saying that sin should be accepted or ignored; I'm saying remove the speck in your eye first. 

So all thee who are more Christian than St. Peter and more Muslim than Prophet Mohammed,  my position, it will surprise you, actually comes from these same Holy books and some words of Pope Francis: “Judge not so that ye shall not be judged" "Allah is the only judge" and “Cast not the first stone”. The Holy Books which condemn sex with another of the same sex also condemn (more times than I have the patience to count) adultery, fornication, gluttony, lies, theft, betrayal, disobedience, sins of the mind and by the tongue, indecency, selfishness, greed, etc. which most of us are guilty of without check and in quantum. Why then should we be so quick to point fingers?

Also, from the Pontificate came these immortal words which every Christian should embrace yet so many people, Christian and non-alike condemned without thinking: “Who am I to turn a gay man away from the Lord?” Who indeed is the Pope to turn any sinner, be he liar, gossip, prostitute or gay, away from God? If sinners cannot come to the church for refuge, where then can they turn? Who are we to decide that gay men should be castrated and burned at the stake? If God has created us all and given us the free will to choose our own paths, then please (with Igbo accent) mind yua bizuneesu! Of course things change if a gay man tries to assault you.Then,biko, cry to the highest heavens for hail to fall upon him like the Palm of Buddha in Kung fu Hustle. 

If however none has, yet you still choose to flay them with your Very Sanctimonious and Truly Righteous indignation (cue in the Alleluia Chorus), then I must warn you honey, that while you were shouting and stomping on that stage, preaching fire and brimstone upon gays and lesbians, it wasn’t your ‘I have a dream’ worthy speech that enraptured your audience; it was the fact that your fly was open and you forgot to wear underwear that held them entranced.

Yours in friendship always,

∞

Omachies.