My dear,
See the thing about
liking lesbians and hating homosexuals? Lesbians are homosexuals so quit being so
contrary and make up your bloody mind. That’s just my opinion.
Guys are the most highly susceptible to this hypocrisy, so I’ll start
with you. Let’s imagine the typical lesbian porn scenario – since very few
actually get to witness lesbian action live. We’ll even tag it ‘Two Hot Blondes
get it on in a Hot Tub’. Here’s the story: two blondes with really big firm
boobs and flat butts (because for some truly weird reason, white people seem to
think that kind of build is sexy) ‘accidentally’ run into each other in a hot
tub, exchange the terrible dialogue that only porn, some Nollywood movies and
old soap operas manage to have finessed into an art, and start... well... doing.
No, this isn’t a porn site so kill the anticipation. But the idea of such a
scenario is quite titillating, right?
So let’s try it the other way. ‘Two Built Guys getting it on the
Shower’. I can almost hear all the ‘Olorun maje!’s, ‘Chineke ekwena ihe’ojoo!’s
and ‘A’udhu billahi!’s. Typical.
I thus took the liberty of asking a number of guys, friends and
strangers alike, why they hate homosexuals so much. The almost unanimous
consensus was that it was unnatural.
“Ever seen a gay pig or a homosexual goat?”
“It is an abomination! The Bible says so!”
“How can I see another guy that has exactly what I have and want to
touch… God forbid!”
“I just don’t understand why a guy would like to pop another guy or
allow another guy to pop him. It’s just… it’s just… wrong.”
“All homos deserve to be castrated and burnt alive!”
Et cetera.
So what did these guys think of lesbians then? Most of the reactions
can be categorized into two, though they all still boil down to one: lesbians
don’t deserve to be castrated of their lady-balls.
“They are hot now.” This is always delivered by most guys with a smug
smile.
“Well, lesbians are more understandable. Most girls already have the
tendency anyway because they are always together and there are many things to
touch.”
Really guys? As opposed to guys not being always together and not
having many things to touch? *shakingmyhead*.
On the flip side, I have also discovered that girls are more tolerant
of gay guys and less so of lesbians. Girls are more inclined to allow five gay
guys to shave their pubic areas in the middle of the night than be left in a
large open-spaced hall alone with a lesbian in broad daylight. (Of course I'm
exaggerating but you get the point)
I’d like to call it ironic, but it really isn’t. Straight guys are
afraid of guys who might be interested in them sexually but since they
understand being attracted to girls, they can forgive lesbians. The same goes
for girls. This prejudice is extended even to our laws vis-à-vis the Nigerian
Criminal Code Act which prosecutes sodomy and indecency by a male with another
male but makes no such provisions against lesbians. The question then, is why?
Is it the fear of getting sexually assaulted? Or is it, as is most common, the fear of accepting something you don’t
understand? I believe it is a generous dose of both.
For example, I have a crush on Charlize Theron. But the image currently
running through my head is me, pulling out an Uzi submachine gun with a mad
gleam in my eyes and shooting her head off with Mike Banning efficacy the
minute I recognize lust in her eyes and fingers. On the other hand, I can
imagine cornering Jussie Smolett and having my wicked way with him.
No one said the mind has to be a safe place for celebrities. *wink*
Just like me, most people I have asked also have exactly the same
answers: fear of assault and of the 'un-understood'. But is either reason
enough to justify the lynching of an entire species of people? The fact remains
this: homosexuals are homosexuals, whether male or female, and as such, if you
are going to accept one type, you should accept them all or at the very least,
tolerate them.
Yes, I refuse to encourage judgment and condemnation of the LGBT
community. Many people get aghast by this position of mine; after all, both the
Bible and the Qur'an do condemn homosexuality. No, I'm not saying that sin should be accepted or ignored; I'm saying remove the speck in your eye first.
So all thee who are more
Christian than St. Peter and more Muslim than Prophet Mohammed, my position, it will surprise you, actually
comes from these same Holy books and some words of Pope Francis: “Judge not so
that ye shall not be judged" "Allah is the only judge" and “Cast not the first stone”. The Holy Books
which condemn sex with another of the same sex also condemn (more times than I
have the patience to count) adultery, fornication, gluttony, lies, theft,
betrayal, disobedience, sins of the mind and by the tongue, indecency,
selfishness, greed, etc. which most of us are guilty of without check and in
quantum. Why then should we be so quick to point fingers?
Also, from the Pontificate came these immortal words which every
Christian should embrace yet so many people, Christian and non-alike condemned
without thinking: “Who am I to turn a gay man away from the Lord?” Who indeed
is the Pope to turn any sinner, be he liar, gossip, prostitute or gay, away
from God? If sinners cannot come to the church for refuge, where then can they
turn? Who are we to decide that gay men should be castrated and burned at the
stake? If God has created us all and given us the free will to choose our own
paths, then please (with Igbo accent) mind yua bizuneesu! Of course things
change if a gay man tries to assault you.Then,biko, cry to the highest heavens
for hail to fall upon him like the Palm of Buddha in Kung fu Hustle.
If however none has, yet you still choose to flay them with your Very
Sanctimonious and Truly Righteous indignation (cue in the Alleluia Chorus),
then I must warn you honey, that while you were shouting and stomping on that
stage, preaching fire and brimstone upon gays and lesbians, it wasn’t your ‘I have a dream’ worthy speech that
enraptured your audience; it was the fact that your fly was open and you forgot
to wear underwear that held them entranced.
Yours in friendship
always,
∞
Omachies.
I liken
Nigerian music these days to Resident Evil, World War Z, Night of the Living
Dead, etc. A viral outbreak that infects Nigerians and zombifies everyone, and
no one seems to be looking for a cure. We are so busy enjoying the badass beats
in the song that we ignore the emptiness and stupidity of the lyrics,
forgetting that all the knowledge we hold is gained through our senses, that
the quality of what comes out of a man is as a result of what has gone in, and
that when we saturate our senses with things that are mediocre and lack value, that
is usually what we become – mediocre and valueless. So by the time we realize
that our IQs are no longer as sharp as they used to be, or that we can’t seem
to find solutions to problems around us, waiting instead for ‘the government’
to solve all of our problems, we have already become as empty as the songs we
listen to. Yet we never realize that they are at least partially responsible,
so we keep on grooving, baby kpalanga!
I blame the
Nigerian artistes who have chosen to insult our intelligence by feeding us with
bullshit. But the lion share of the blame rests on our shoulders. If bullshit
couldn’t make money in Nigeria, no one would try to feed us with it. Look how
no one knew Inyanya when he was talking; he started to kukere, then everyone
wanted a piece of him. Even till date, it is usually Tu Face’s party jams like Implication and Ihe ne me that sell like hot peppersoup and Oompa during Premier
League games. We patronize bullshit; we are so addicted that we raise our
children on it and feed them with it. So I can’t entirely blame the
opportunists who take advantage in our government, business organizations and
of course, music. 
Nigeria is
made up of a lot of highly intelligent people that think average. There are a
lot of factors that contribute to this, but the fact that we love terrible
music so much definitely does not help. I’m not saying that all Nigerian music
is bad (as a matter of fact, I believe that talent abounds in the industry.
Look at Olamide and his metaphors for example; still blows my mind). What I am
saying is that we should stop patronizing the ones that are. Let’s challenge
these talents to think and to develop into skills. If dem no get market, dem go
start to dey use dem brain. And if they use their brains, then it will be so
much easier to weed out the chaff from among them. Say something I'm giving up on yooouuuu...
Abeg. I no
know how I go take beg una again. All you wonderful mizikshans, plix, stop choking
our brains with poopoo. All you patronisers, plix, stop listening to poopoo. All
you Alaba market promoters, plix, stop selling poopoo to us and calling it
mizik.
“Well, lesbians are more understandable. Most girls already have the
tendency anyway because they are always together and there are many things to
touch.”
So all thee who are more
Christian than St. Peter and more Muslim than Prophet Mohammed, my position, it will surprise you, actually
comes from these same Holy books and some words of Pope Francis: “Judge not so
that ye shall not be judged" "Allah is the only judge" and “Cast not the first stone”. The Holy Books
which condemn sex with another of the same sex also condemn (more times than I
have the patience to count) adultery, fornication, gluttony, lies, theft,
betrayal, disobedience, sins of the mind and by the tongue, indecency,
selfishness, greed, etc. which most of us are guilty of without check and in
quantum. Why then should we be so quick to point fingers? 
The
Alchemist spoke to me
Give
all up for the One
It
will soar; yes, it can fly
